Mutual projections cripple relationships

4/1/06 Mutual projections cripple relationships.

True freedom in relationships occurs when a person is able to separate himself from the other by respecting the other as separate from himself. It’s projections of self on to the other that lead to a lot of problems in relationships. This separation comes about by keeping oneself tuned into one’s own negative thoughts and feelings. When one does this then there is less need to project those feelings onto an-other. Stability in relationships are maintained through projections. This is unhealthy but as immature persons we tend to do this unconsciously. This is why the family is protective as well as destructive. Protective in that someone else in the family colludes with the projections and main-tains the stability in the family but at a cost. For example someone takes the blame for your projections of guilt and negative feelings. This excuses you of your own behaviour as it blames the other for your problems or feeling states. It is how families handle and moderate these mutual projec-tions that lead some to survive and others to destroy. These projections are outside one’s conscious control and after a while control you and your family. Separation enables one to see these feelings as emanating from oneself and not from the other. Your reactions are a product of your own thoughts and feelings. This is why it is easier to get on with those who you are not emotionally connected with. This is why many fear commitment because of seeing this as a life sentence. Only the emotionally mature are able to take re-sponsibility for their own thoughts and feelings and desist from projecting their own negative feelings on to the other. This is what will bring real change and healing. Confession enables one to separate from the other person’s own feel-ings. Many times when one confesses one’s feelings. It then enables the other to move to acknowledge those feelings or accept the confessor and his thoughts and feelings. In both instances trust is built through mutual confession and ac-ceptance.
In emotionally close people these projections can also occur at distances and when one is not in their immediate pres-ence. This is why moving away does not help deal with these feelings as they follow you around and are alive even when the person is dead and gone. These feelings have to be confronte. In this way you take ownership for these feelings and in this is healing. Even if are identifying with the pro-jections of another it is still your responsibility to own those feelings.
A therapist is distanced from the patient and therefore is able to separate his own feeling states from that of the pa-tient. He is therefore able to reflect those feelings that he perceives from the patient back to the patient and in this way help the patient to take responsibility for his negative feelings and thoughts.